life isn't always beautiful

A wonderous night at the Grogan house.
All is fast asleep.
The small dog sleeps under the parents bed.
And nothing seems out of reach.
Not too tidy, but not too messy
All seems to be alright.
The moon is shining, and the stars are out
On this cold and quiet night.
But here I am, wide awake
As if the day has just begun.
Spralled on my bed with my open diary
But this, is not what I call "fun".
The house is quiet, and the house is warm.
But this is not what I feel.
Anything but my surroundings is
Not what's under my ceil.
My hair is torn out, and my clothes are soaked.
I'm freezing...and yet I sweat.
My towel drips, and my eyelids too
Are soaking with regret
The words in ink that fill the page
Repeat in different words
My bible there, I've read before
Seems so out of my world.
And yet I know, if I were to open
Even just a single page.
It might end this misery, but what's the point
For tomorow, it will be the same.
My one way out has failed tonight.
And sorrow fills the room.
Looking to you seems pointless.
For you wouldn't know what to do.
So my pillow soaks, and my eyeliner runs
And the clock strikes 2 AM.
And as my heart exausttedly throbs,
Tomorow, it will start again.

i remember this one time.
it seems so far away.
but there were lies.
and i remember those days.


the people were so real.
we all knew our lives.
because the pain we still feel.
brings us together in life.


our feelings havent changed yet.
but our lives surely have.
we talk the few chances we get.
and the pain seems to forever last.


 i miss those days somehow.
the days when they understood.
when my feelings were allowed.
together, somehow, we were good.


i find myself today.
afraid to feel accepted.
because of what i say.
i am alone. and rejected.


i remember this one time.
when i was alone in this life.
i find that time of mine.
is today. and i am. not. fine.